ive only ever spent valentines day in 2010 with yj with he came to singapore. it was the last night before he left i think - i made him stay till valentines day cos i so desperately wanted that one romantic memory to keep with me.
even though on hindsight i know that valentines day really means nothing - its just another day, it really isnt all that special in itself - yj and i had countless more special days together than on that day - its just something that you cant run away from because of what society forces it to represent.
so vday this year was supposed to be literally un-spent. but for whatever reason i spent two hours of vday today with someone that i really cared about, and i think thats really all that matters. it was nothing special, same old same old, but hey - it was unexpected, simple and i cared that you cared. so that was this year.
Ived hyped it up way too much in my head for it not to be perfect. Its been a long time and thats not even exaggerating. Its almost like do I even know you anymore? We will see. It took a very long time to get here.
Sitting in the dark listening to A*mei and pondering all these questions to love and life that she is throwing at me from every lyric and line. No answers to anything just lots and lots of questions. I guess A*mei never figured them out either. Don’t think I ever will.
I should have known better. I was absolutely stupid to think that this was any different, that you were any different. You are all the same. And I have lived through this once - I never thought I would have to experience it again. Acute, searing, burning, blinding and raw. I guess the worst part is that I really thought you were different from the rest.
some morning afters shed light on the night before. some morning afters just make you feel like crap. or like you wana hide in your bed and never come out of the covers. this morning is that of the latter. two wrongs in one night - one due to illtemper, lack of self control, maybe just plain immaturity and a moment of having ‘lost it’ due to emotional instability and anger; and one due to plain folly, lack of self control (again), vengefulness, self indulgence and more stupidity.. thinking it would hurt another in revenge but the only person getting hurt would be myself.
its the moment you wish you could turn back time and take it all back. but now that you cant - suck it up and deal with it? pretend that you are really strong and able to take the consequences of your decisions/mistakes/whatever whoever wishes to call them. that would be default me - pretending to be strong, to have it all together, refusing to show weakness. because the tear and broken part inside of myself is gnarly, is so gaping that i dont even know how to patch it back up. maybe ever. there are bits of the broken pieces that are just slowly entering the rest of my system, maybe never to be found and removed but instead manifesting in my bloodstream and showing itself up in my being, behaviour and psyche.
my decision making has not been the best of late, perhaps because i have not asked for wisdom nor kept close to the light. is that why there is turmoil breaking out of me. sometimes i wonder how much better a person i could become without becoming an entirely different person altogether. isnt my core essentially the same..?
and as a type this, i receive a phone call. godsend.
Being human i think this reality haunts us everyday upon our wrongdoing and subsequent expectation of punishment.
Sadly i do still fear my wages. The wages I have to pay for my sin. It is an innate instinctive part of me that does not go away, even after i have received the message of Grace and Forgiveness. Maybe the truth and light of the message has become fuzzy to me and the darkness is pulling me toward it so violently - the never ending struggle of sin vs becoming more like the Light.
maybe one day when i look back at all this, and have it retold back to myself, it will make me burn with shame. burn with guilt. burn with remorse. burn with regret. and i think yes. that day will come. because that day always comes.
in the meantime, in the now, it is a suspension of reality that i have managed to have placed myself, hanging in this fragile balance. it is a denial of everything and everyone outside of the warmth, smell, comfort and safety that had filled that weak space in my heart.
so yesterday i had a moment where three parts of me converged at the same time to reach a very strange common end point, to which my response was NO this is not possible, and i am not keen on making it possible, nor convincing myself that it is possible in any way. even though for some reason or another it has managed to survive in this strange triangular position in my heart, it does not make sense at all. in the long term, one must die, or the other, or the other. yes, to quote before sunset, everyone is so irreplaceable because they are made up of such specific details. yes to that, but also yes to sanity please. my sanity.
i used to have a very good meteor garden analogy for this, but now that it has become a triangular question mark, it has then also become harder for me to express how i feel in meteor garden terms any longer. i press on to find a better, more suitable analogy.