some morning afters shed light on the night before. some morning afters just make you feel like crap. or like you wana hide in your bed and never come out of the covers. this morning is that of the latter. two wrongs in one night - one due to illtemper, lack of self control, maybe just plain immaturity and a moment of having ‘lost it’ due to emotional instability and anger; and one due to plain folly, lack of self control (again), vengefulness, self indulgence and more stupidity.. thinking it would hurt another in revenge but the only person getting hurt would be myself.
its the moment you wish you could turn back time and take it all back. but now that you cant - suck it up and deal with it? pretend that you are really strong and able to take the consequences of your decisions/mistakes/whatever whoever wishes to call them. that would be default me - pretending to be strong, to have it all together, refusing to show weakness. because the tear and broken part inside of myself is gnarly, is so gaping that i dont even know how to patch it back up. maybe ever. there are bits of the broken pieces that are just slowly entering the rest of my system, maybe never to be found and removed but instead manifesting in my bloodstream and showing itself up in my being, behaviour and psyche.
my decision making has not been the best of late, perhaps because i have not asked for wisdom nor kept close to the light. is that why there is turmoil breaking out of me. sometimes i wonder how much better a person i could become without becoming an entirely different person altogether. isnt my core essentially the same..?
and as a type this, i receive a phone call. godsend.
nothing can separate us from the love of christ.