some morning afters shed light on the night before. some morning afters just make you feel like crap. or like you wana hide in your bed and never come out of the covers. this morning is that of the latter. two wrongs in one night - one due to illtemper, lack of self control, maybe just plain immaturity and a moment of having ‘lost it’ due to emotional instability and anger; and one due to plain folly, lack of self control (again), vengefulness, self indulgence and more stupidity.. thinking it would hurt another in revenge but the only person getting hurt would be myself.
its the moment you wish you could turn back time and take it all back. but now that you cant - suck it up and deal with it? pretend that you are really strong and able to take the consequences of your decisions/mistakes/whatever whoever wishes to call them. that would be default me - pretending to be strong, to have it all together, refusing to show weakness. because the tear and broken part inside of myself is gnarly, is so gaping that i dont even know how to patch it back up. maybe ever. there are bits of the broken pieces that are just slowly entering the rest of my system, maybe never to be found and removed but instead manifesting in my bloodstream and showing itself up in my being, behaviour and psyche.
my decision making has not been the best of late, perhaps because i have not asked for wisdom nor kept close to the light. is that why there is turmoil breaking out of me. sometimes i wonder how much better a person i could become without becoming an entirely different person altogether. isnt my core essentially the same..?
and as a type this, i receive a phone call. godsend.
nothing can separate us from the love of christ.
'For the wages of sin is death.'
Being human i think this reality haunts us everyday upon our wrongdoing and subsequent expectation of punishment.
Sadly i do still fear my wages. The wages I have to pay for my sin. It is an innate instinctive part of me that does not go away, even after i have received the message of Grace and Forgiveness. Maybe the truth and light of the message has become fuzzy to me and the darkness is pulling me toward it so violently - the never ending struggle of sin vs becoming more like the Light.
you should be back by now. both of you. i hope you guys got back safe and sound. hope it was a good trip. hope. i hear from you soon.
maybe one day when i look back at all this, and have it retold back to myself, it will make me burn with shame. burn with guilt. burn with remorse. burn with regret. and i think yes. that day will come. because that day always comes.
in the meantime, in the now, it is a suspension of reality that i have managed to have placed myself, hanging in this fragile balance. it is a denial of everything and everyone outside of the warmth, smell, comfort and safety that had filled that weak space in my heart.
"have you been to this place before?"
"ok i’ll bring you there next time. from there you can see the sea, and the coast guard. it is peaceful and beautiful."
all i could think about was how he was letting me into places of himself that he kept close to his heart. he was bringing me in.
an old ill. a relapse. a crack that leads into darkness. just a small turning of the head. and the pillar of salt starts to form.
the triangular question mark
so yesterday i had a moment where three parts of me converged at the same time to reach a very strange common end point, to which my response was NO this is not possible, and i am not keen on making it possible, nor convincing myself that it is possible in any way. even though for some reason or another it has managed to survive in this strange triangular position in my heart, it does not make sense at all. in the long term, one must die, or the other, or the other. yes, to quote before sunset, everyone is so irreplaceable because they are made up of such specific details. yes to that, but also yes to sanity please. my sanity.
i used to have a very good meteor garden analogy for this, but now that it has become a triangular question mark, it has then also become harder for me to express how i feel in meteor garden terms any longer. i press on to find a better, more suitable analogy.
this feels kinda familiar.